It’s Good To Be Invisible – Women And The Freedom To Be
Posted on Friday, November 21st, 2008
When did I become invisible? And why am I enjoying it so much?
I remember talking to my older brother a few years ago and he remarked how, after reaching a certain age, he noticed that young people quit noticing him. Not to say noticing him in an appreciative way; no, that wasn’t the point. He was simply at a gas station, filling his car and walking in to pay, when he saw that the young people directly in his path didn’t move. They weren’t being rude; they simply did not see him.
He had become invisible.
At what age are we referred to as “some old guy” or “some old lady”? At what age are we referred to as “a cute little old man” or “a cute little old lady”? Well, the time has come. I am, officially, invisible. Thanks for the heads-up Brother!
The funny thing I’ve discovered about becoming invisible is the sheer joy of it. When you become invisible you realize what power you have to assert yourself when you won’t receive a reaction. Like in the movie, “The Invisible Man”, being invisible has its benefits.
Whatever happens in your day-to-day life, for instance, if someone cuts in front of you in the grocery store line, you can speak up and get right back in front of them where you belong and they won’t even respond. They may hear a high pitch buzzing, like a mosquito makes, but the offensive person just swats it away. Nope, not even a second glance at the innocuous “some old lady” person. This is training for when you become “a cute little old lady” which removes your invisibility, but leaves you trained to combat the idiots of the world.
When invisibility strikes, and it strikes us all, we are relieved of our “give a damn” attitude and become firmly planted, once again, just like when we were 2 years old, in our life of “you people aren’t worth my time.”
Practicing belligerence while we’re invisible provides us with a good foundation for self-reliance and self-preservation as we move back out of invisibility and into our older, more vulnerable years. As we battle to maintain our proverbial place in line, we are developing a strong history of defending our right to be where we want to be, and that will provide a strong support system throughout our remaining years on earth.
I don’t waste my time anymore being upset about someone cutting in line or some other similar intrusion. I realize that I am invisible and, either I just get right back where I belong, or I don’t care enough to move again. Either way, I make sure it works out in my best interest. If I assert myself it is a moot point, because I’m invisible, but it’s good practice. Caring what people think of me has become a moot point, as well, because again, I am invisible so they don’t think of me at all.
I take my invisibility as a break from the ridiculously time-consuming need to care about what people think of me and to take care of their feelings. I don’t have a desire or need to emotionally primp and preen.
This is why I love being solidly in my 50’s. When you hear the term “of a certain age” it used to refer to women, particularly, that no longer fit a “desirable” image; as in the movies when women would become less likely to have parts written for them. Being “of a certain age” myself gives me the freedom to move about at will; relishing in the knowledge that I have become invisible.
Freedom… Invisibility… isn’t life grand?
p.s. This post generated some heated comments about when it’s appropriate to discuss aging, growing older, etc. Read my views on these comments and this particular topic. I share my personal story of how I, and many others, have matured and grown given the obstacles that can defeat us, or define us, in my blog post Despair Through The Decades Or Live Like You Mean It. Hope you enjoy it.
Update: Here we are in 2012 and look what I found!
Is invisibility really a common lament among women ‘of a certain age?’ Are there benefits to being invisible that we all share? Are there problems?
This is a humorous (and thought provoking) look at a very real issue. In the story, Clover, a mom in her early fifties, discovers she is invisible – not feeling invisible, actually physically invisible. She soon finds out that her family doesn’t even notice she is missing, invisible. They go on just the same as always. Her friends, however, notice right away. What Clover learns in this strange state of invisibility is that she was invisible even before she knew she was invisible.
More and more women have told me the same thing since they read this blog post – “I thought I was the only one invisible.” It happens to us all. Now we just have to see what we can learn from it.
This is definitely my next read. Click on and order your own copy right here and join me! Calling Invisible Women by Jeanne Ray
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I was enjoying reading all your posts — enjoyed reading about you riding your bike 12 miles, forgetting you are old, etc. Very cute, very sweet, very upbeat. How cool to be old and still so active. I planned to forward your postings to my own mother — she is 81 and I figured you two to be about the same age. She’s pretty active too. She belongs to a bike club and goes on 50 to 70 mile group rides each month.
Then I came to this post … and read the words “being solidly in my 50s.” OMG!!! Are you freakin’ kidding me?? Hey, I am in my 50s!!! I still have small children at home, not grandchildren. I coach soccer. I belong to the PTA. I run marathons and ride century bike rides. I swim. I kayak. I have a booming career. I am not wrinkly. AND I have absolutely never felt invisible!
All these postings about “forgetting I’m old” and being active … Get a grip! I mean … Madonna is in her 50s. Sela Ward is in her 50s. Dana Delaney (from Desperate Housewives) is in her 50s. Rene Russo is in her 50s. Chrissie Hynde (lead singer of the Pretenders) is solidly in her 50s. Jennifer Tilly is in her 50s. Kim Basinger is in her 50s. Punk Rocker Joan Jett is in her 50s. Katie Couric is in her 50s. Michelle Pfeiffer is in her 50s. Christie Brinkley is in her 50s. Diane Sawyer is 64 — does she look wrinkly to you? Do any of these women?
Shut down this site and start it up again when you are at least “solidly in your 70s”!! Through all your postings I was imagining you to be my mom’s age. I mean no disrespect, but gad!! You have totally and utterly freaked me out!!! Being “old” never crossed my mind until I landed at your site.
You are totally right, mische! Being in our 50’s certainly does not mean we’re OLD. I agree that all those fabulous women, you included, are doing wonderful things. I, too, am a marathoner, and would also love to go on longer bike rides, and I do when time permits. I don’t have little kids in my house any longer because I had my daughter at a very young age, so I don’t have soccer, school, homework, etc. keeping me busy. I do, however, have grandchildren which I enjoy very much and who keep me hoppin’!
Yes, you are right. Being 50 is not “old.” Unfortunately, I have met way too many people, women especially, who once they reach the age around menopause, quit living. They gain weight, slow down, and gain more weight. They wrinkle up and shrivel up and disappear. I write a bit tongue-in-cheek to get the women who read my posts to stop and think – “if a woman my age is not willing to sit around, waiting for the inevitable, neither will I.” That’s the beginning of the “remarkable wrinklies” like my Mom and yours. Incredible, remarkable women of 70, 80, and 90… and hopefully, beyond, who when noticing their first wrinkle or age spot didn’t go, oh well, may as well get out the rocking chair. 😉
Anyway, I appreciate your scolding. I hope you read “My Inspiration” to get a glimpse of my Mom. She was and always will be my inspiration, not just for “Remarkable Wrinklies” but for my life. Not just my Mom, but all the strong women in my life, and strong men, too, have given me the faith that if I don’t allow the age spots on my hands or the wrinkles on my face to define me I can live to be like the “Remarkable Wrinklies” that I admire.
I’m hoping to be around for a long, long time, writing about all the stages of aging that I hope to go through. I want to report 30 years from now that I’m still riding my bike every day and maybe still even doing a marathon now and again! 😉
Thanks for reading and I hope you’ll come back and read again. Just so you know, there were a few years in my life where I was not feeling too positive about this whole aging process – right after my Mom died I wanted to curl up and die right along with her. That’s why I’m so thrilled now to be getting older and enjoying the process. My Mom would be proud of my climb out of the depths I had slipped into.
No, I’m not really “old” comparatively speaking, you’re right. But, for someone who felt “older than dirt” for a while, I feel reborn into my new old body that is stronger and more fit than it was a decade ago, and I want to share that feeling with other women who have felt like I did some time or another in their life.
Thanks again for your comment. When I get a more solid footing in this whole website stuff, I’m hoping to highlight some real “Remarkable Wrinklies” and hope you’ll come back and check it out.
Thanks again! I appreciate your comment and critique. It keeps me honest!
😉
Just read through this post and the comments and it made me realize how much our perspective of age differs (and I guess it changes over time too quite a bit). I’m in my mid-thirties and I hate to tell you, but the first little wrinklies are making their appearance.
Mishe – good for you that you’re not feeling your age at all. It’s easy to picture the person behind a website differently when you’re judging them just from their writing and their website. I’ve done that plenty of times myself and have it done to me regularly too. A few weeks ago I met someone that had been following my Hillbilly Housewife website for some time and her first comment was ” You’re different… your teeth aren’t even black”. Ouch …
Patti, definitely keep going with this inspiring website and don’t you dare sit out a few decades. I get something out of it every time I read it and I’m sure lots of other readers well below the 70yr old threshold do as well.
Thank you, Susanne! You make a good point, to be sure! Age and the aging process is all relative, and very personal, too. And everyone’s experience is unique to her or his own life’s history. Some people, as my daughter said, “die at 40, but just wait 40 years to get buried.”
An active 50+ person who has made a come-back, as it were, after some years of despair has some celebrating to do. And if I can keep celebrating well into my 80’s and 90’s, I’m going to be shouting from the rooftops, for sure!
I also agree that sitting out for 20 years or so AND THEN commenting on how I got to my older years staying active really doesn’t do a service to the women I keep meeting that are in their 50’s and struggling. They want to know how to approach aging today and every day, and not just how fantastic it is when a 70 or 80 year old achieves a vibrant, lively old age.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Susanne, and thanks for the support!
Oh, and the whole Hillbilly Housewife preconceived notion is a bit weird, eh? That comment has to be a bit puzzling, to say the least. Yikes.
Take care and thanks again!
Well, you inspire me. And, I sure hope you’re not going to quit writing, because I want to be just like you when I grow up. 🙂
I can’t wait until you start to feature more Remarkable people just like you!
Thanks, Darlin’!
Yeah, I’m glad I started writing this blog, too. There are so many, many, many women like me who went through some pretty d-o-w-n times. Just knowing that there are other people trying to grow old gracefully and happily, people who are willing to share the journey with you, is sometimes all it takes to pick a person out of their early grave. Sharing the journey with a few laughs at our feeble attempts to harness “eternal youth” – priceless!
If I can actually “inspire”, blush, a woman to be okay with her aging process, to get fit and stay strong, and laugh along the way, I’ve done my job.
I look forward to laughing at myself as I grow really, really, REALLY, old. I’m also looking forward to you laughing along with me for many, many, many years to come!
BTW… you are well on your way to becoming one of the Remarkable Wrinklies! It’s in your blood, my dear… 😉
I’m glad you did not take offense. No offense was meant. Your writing may be tongue in cheek, but, sorry … I do not find it productive nor can I subscribe to any group who refer to themselves as “Wrinklies.” At least not at this stage of life. Perhaps after 60; probably after 70. Your posts seem a decade or two premature. I’m sorry you felt despair at getting older. I’m happy that you say you have climbed out of that despair. I just cannot relate. I have never felt depressed about getting older. Never gave it much thought — of course, I don’t have many wrinkles and certainly no age spots on my hands or anywhere else (ok, I’ll confess to coloring my gray). Believe it or not, I was carded in the supermarket buying wine just a year ago! Guess I should consider myself lucky. I can still turn heads in a flirty dress at a dinner party, still look good in a swim suit, and still do everything I have always done in my life. Turning 50 has meant next to nothing to me.
My immediate circle of women friends are 30-somethings to 50-somethings and we all seem to be on pretty much the same page: kids, school, husbands, careers, sports, etc. One of my friends had her first child a few years ago at age 44 … she has three children now. I honestly don’t think any of us would relate to being invisible, grandchildren, or the other subjects you write about. My husband will turn 60 next year. He still surfs, runs marathons, plays a mean game of tennis (as do I), coaches baseball, listens to loud music, and is just as hunky as when we met 22 years ago (and I can promise you that he is not “invisible” — I see women checking him out all the time). I doubt he would relate to your site either.
Just curious, what part of the country do you live in?
You wrote: “No, I
Hey again, mom.
I’ve been thinking about this post and the theme of your website, and Mishe, you’re obviously not the target of this blog as you are well aware.
It’s for the people who are 50 and up, like Patti, who has an almost 37 year old daughter and several grandchildren (one nearly in high school). Mom, I love that I have a hard time keeping up with you on our bike rides — and that you won the squat challenge two weeks ago! (Love your age spots, too!)
Mishe, I do think you’re missing the point. This blog was created for those who are empty nesters and grandparents who are finding themselves at a stage in life that you obviously aren’t at. It’s to energize them into taking BACK their lives and living more like you and your husband and mother. For instance, my mom (the owner of this blog) has started a new career in internet marketing past the age of 50 – which to me, is remarkable, too, considering she knew very little about computers a few years ago, and now she’s making her living online!
We both know too many 50 + year olds who have nothing that excites them anymore — and that is the problem that we’re trying to address here.
We’ll be featuring plenty of older people here – as well as in our book, including my wonderful grandmother who went dog sledding in Alaska for her 75th birthday and who we miss terribly.
Come back in 20 years when you have grandchildren and age spots. You might enjoy it more then. 🙂
Well, thank you for the invitation. Perhaps I will check back in 20 years when I hope to be a granny. At that age I am sure I’ll welcome age spots, gray hair, and all that comes with granny-dom.
Was it you who designed Patti’s website? I really like it. The daisy and the bicycle with the basket containing an already open bottle of wine. The look of the website is definitely something I can relate to. Perfect imagry for someone 30 to 60. Nice job.
Patti mentioned that she had her first child very young … but you are 37? Yikes! 37 years ago I was a child of 15. Do you see why I have trouble relating?
You wrote that your mother’s blog audience are “the people who are 50 and up, like Patti, who has an almost 37 year old daughter and several grandchildren (one nearly in high school).” I’ll wager that’s a damn small audience. Especially since it was our generation of women who are generally known to have put off marriage & family until after we finished our educations and established our careers. A couple years ago I attended my 30 year high school reunion. Several former classmates had children in high school and college, but I certainly don’t recall anyone talking about grandchildren (much less a grandchild in high school … Wow!).
You obviously are close to your mother, since you write about biking with her, etc. And that is such a good thing. But I hope you truly appreciate the enormous sacrifice that your mother must have made in raising a daughter when she was barely more than a child herself. Obviously I don’t know Patti personally, so can only speculate that more than likely your mother had to give up dating boys, going to school functions, dances, getting her eardrums blasted at rock concerts, and all the other fun stuff that goes with youth. She likely gave up going to college and grad school, being pursued by attractive young men (rare is the young man who dates a woman with a child), the joys of being a carefree young woman in her 20s, travel, spending whole pay checks on frivolous things like expensive shoes, and just plain living spontaneously. Perhaps she even gave up the love of a good man and enjoyment of a successful marriage (since I don’t recall any mention of a husband at her site). Sure, raising a beautiful child is a wonderful thing and I’m certain you brought her many moments/years of extreme joy. But, she gave up her own youth to do so. No wonder that, once you were grown, she found herself depressed as an empty nester. Who the heck wants an empty nest when you are only in your 40s! That’s the time of life when there should be a home filled with love, husband and children.
So, I applaud your mother. It is little wonder that she found the aging process depressing. I’m sure I would have too, given her situation. And kudos to her for getting past it, for finding joy in an upside down mid-life as a 40-something grandma and empty nester. And if her musings on her site bring comfort, hope and joy to those similarly afflicted, who am I to say stop writing? Keep on keeping on. I find nothing wrong with her writings, merely that “forgetting I’m old” seems a rather odd subject for an essay written by someone who is not chronologically very old at all; and feeling invisible at 50 is just plain sad.